Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
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we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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