Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
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Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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