How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize