When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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