im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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