"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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