Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(512): View more from Texas

Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.

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(512): Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks. http://tfl.nu/o3m2

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.

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(901): Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome. http://tfl.nu/dlib

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry. http://tfl.nu/el5m

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.

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(215): Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come. http://tfl.nu/svxw

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(845): don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified. http://tfl.nu/evog

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(703): does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/2knl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(+44): what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/x7um

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(813): It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow. http://tfl.nu/0mxe

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(817): So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds. http://tfl.nu/0h3c

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(260): View more from Indiana

After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.

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(260): After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing. http://tfl.nu/bjii

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(516): View more from New York

i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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(516): i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal http://tfl.nu/qt14

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand

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(304): I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand http://tfl.nu/6s03

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.

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(734): I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play. http://tfl.nu/5k4o

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(817): View more from Texas

Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.

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(817): Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it. http://tfl.nu/xes0

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