New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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