Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize