don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
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The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
FUCK WHALES
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