I got chris browned last night
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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