just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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