i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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