I accidentally had phone sex last night
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
the raccoons are back...
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