Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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