There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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