did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
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Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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