I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize