woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize