guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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