my sisters under your porch take her home
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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