some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's never too late to be topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize