just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
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just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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