I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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