I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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