I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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