Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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