I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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