remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hippo gnu deer
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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