your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize