peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
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I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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