I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
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It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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