I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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