Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize