Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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