Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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