I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
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You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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