This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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