woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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