I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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