Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize