Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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