i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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