I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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