In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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