Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize