So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
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Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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