The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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