hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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