I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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